How am I supposed to keep this up until the end of my life?

Not at all! The first few times I was determined to change my life and leave behind drug use or gambling, I expected exactly this: "From now on, I will never gamble again. From now on, I will never take drugs again." I was about twenty or twenty-one years old when I made my first serious attempts to escape addiction. Driven by a great deal of motivation and iron discipline, the beginning was always easy for me. Those days felt like a new beginning. But these two driving forces – motivation and discipline – disappeared just as quickly as they had come, and the only question that remained was: "How am I supposed to keep this up for the rest of my life?"

The mere thought of never again experiencing the intoxicating high of an ecstasy pill, the burning in my nasal passages from snorting crystal, followed by that overwhelming feeling of wakefulness and energy – that thought was torture. It felt like I had to give up a part of myself, an experience that suddenly seemed impossibly out of reach. Just as difficult was the idea of never again feeling the thrilling risk of a bet, never again having the chance for the big win that could change my life in an instant. It was this thought that too often brought me to my knees, causing me to break down, fail, and fall again and again.

After a while, I stopped making promises to myself or anyone else. Not because I had given up – no, I still wanted to succeed – but because I didn't want to constantly feel like I was disappointing myself and others. I didn't want to lie to anyone anymore, least of all to myself. Today, I can say: I will make it. Maybe I'll even make it until tomorrow, and that's enough for now.

Of course, these thoughts still come up from time to time. The thought of having to fight addiction for the rest of my life stands before me like an insurmountable mountain. But I've learned, after all the relapses, that I don't have to make it forever. Dealing with relapses has almost become a habit for me, and the last one was quite some time ago. Knowing that I can keep going even after a stumble is comforting in its own way.